From an article in the Daily Mail: "Breastfeeding is said to benefit both mother and baby in the first six months of a babies life, but mother-of-two Stella Onions has taken this to the extreme as she continues to nurse daughter Josephine, nearly five and a half, and her little brother Zac, who is almost four, with her 'mummy milk'."
Just a thought, but if your kids can tie their own shoes, read and write, and wipe their own asses, they can probably handle drinking out of a cup.
Then again, I'm Canadian and we're polite that way. We don't want to unnecessarily expose our breasts in public unless there's a video producer from Girls Gone Wild around.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Other Uses For A Tennis Racket
I bolted awake at 4:00 a.m. Sunday morning knowing in my heart (which was up in my throat at that exact moment) the flapping noise I'd just heard RIGHT BESIDE ME was not our darling dog Marla shaking her head. It was a bat, and it was on the floor next to the patio door, which is right beside our bed. RIGHT BESIDE ME, in case I've not been clear.
I am TERRIFIED of bats. HYSTERICALLY FRIGHTENED of them. And I was home alone with our daughter, who was soundly sleeping in her bedroom and a dog who likes to lay as close as possible to the floor in this heatwave and just watch the world go by. Chasing after bats just doesn't interest her because she will only lift her head if it looks like the humans might feed her.
So I did what any self-respecting mummy in a modern world would do: I screamed. Very loudly. And ran out of our bedroom trying to slam the door closed behind me, flicked a couple of lights on and hid in the baby's room. Then realized I didn't have the phone with me and was going to have to go back to the bedroom where the bat was no doubt flying around and calling all his little bat friends to come and join the fun. Hey, guys! C'mon! You gotta check this out! She's still screaming and crying! It's awesome! I am a SUPA-STAR!!
I peeked out the door in time to see the bat go flying out of our bedroom and down the hall to hide who-knows-where, grabbed my 2-year-old, and ran back into our room. Both daughter and dog are looking at me like, I don't know, I've lost my mind because at this point I have.
Did I mention the hysterical sobbing? Incomprehensible crying? Oh yes, and I tried calling my hubby who had TURNED THE CELL PHONE OFF, reached our friend Phil instead (thank you, thank you, thank you, Uncle Philly), who very calmly said something along the lines of "You'll be fine, let me walk down to your cottage and get Jeff for you." And when I heard my Jeff's voice, I lost it even further because he was 2 hours away and sniff, there's, sniff, a B-A-A-sniff-half-scream-A-TTT, sniff, in the H-O-U-scream-with abject-terror-S-S-S-E-E and he very firmly tells me to calm down because I'm going to have to try to find and get rid of it on my own. Yeah, nooo, not anywhere close to that happening in this lifetime or the next ten.
Not much he can do from where he is and I think I'm about to pass out or throw up but decide to call my sister, Bebe, who is on her way at 4:30 a.m. I feel much better after she searches around, then I feel not so great because she couldn't find it and my bat-dar is going nutty 'cause I know it's still in the house. I call my hubby back who suggests that I try to go back to sleep for little bit and then why don't I come up to the cottage later in the morning and spend the day? Later in the morning? It's 5:45 a.m. and I'm leaving in less than five minutes.
To conclude:
1. My sister knows how absolutely petrified I am of bats so she was willing and able to drive 30 minutes one-way to get to my house to deal with this for her blubbering-scared-stiff sister. She also knows how much I love her for being there for me when I'm about to launch myself off the edge of abject fear and she is very calm and awesome with reassuring hugs. Plus, she is one of the best bat-busters out there, but you can't have her, she's mine.
2. My Jeff. One of the reasons I love him is that he WILL tell me to 'CALM THE FUCK DOWN' exactly when I need to hear it, and even if I cannot do it, it pisses me off and gets me to focus for a necessary crucial moment away from the edge of hysteria.
Also? Because he killed that mother-fucking-bat with a tennis racket last night. Let me tell you, having my hubby seek and destroy the thing I am most scared of is pretty high on the list of reasons I love him so much.
That and he's a really good kisser.
I am TERRIFIED of bats. HYSTERICALLY FRIGHTENED of them. And I was home alone with our daughter, who was soundly sleeping in her bedroom and a dog who likes to lay as close as possible to the floor in this heatwave and just watch the world go by. Chasing after bats just doesn't interest her because she will only lift her head if it looks like the humans might feed her.
So I did what any self-respecting mummy in a modern world would do: I screamed. Very loudly. And ran out of our bedroom trying to slam the door closed behind me, flicked a couple of lights on and hid in the baby's room. Then realized I didn't have the phone with me and was going to have to go back to the bedroom where the bat was no doubt flying around and calling all his little bat friends to come and join the fun. Hey, guys! C'mon! You gotta check this out! She's still screaming and crying! It's awesome! I am a SUPA-STAR!!
I peeked out the door in time to see the bat go flying out of our bedroom and down the hall to hide who-knows-where, grabbed my 2-year-old, and ran back into our room. Both daughter and dog are looking at me like, I don't know, I've lost my mind because at this point I have.
Did I mention the hysterical sobbing? Incomprehensible crying? Oh yes, and I tried calling my hubby who had TURNED THE CELL PHONE OFF, reached our friend Phil instead (thank you, thank you, thank you, Uncle Philly), who very calmly said something along the lines of "You'll be fine, let me walk down to your cottage and get Jeff for you." And when I heard my Jeff's voice, I lost it even further because he was 2 hours away and sniff, there's, sniff, a B-A-A-sniff-half-scream-A-TTT, sniff, in the H-O-U-scream-with abject-terror-S-S-S-E-E and he very firmly tells me to calm down because I'm going to have to try to find and get rid of it on my own. Yeah, nooo, not anywhere close to that happening in this lifetime or the next ten.
Not much he can do from where he is and I think I'm about to pass out or throw up but decide to call my sister, Bebe, who is on her way at 4:30 a.m. I feel much better after she searches around, then I feel not so great because she couldn't find it and my bat-dar is going nutty 'cause I know it's still in the house. I call my hubby back who suggests that I try to go back to sleep for little bit and then why don't I come up to the cottage later in the morning and spend the day? Later in the morning? It's 5:45 a.m. and I'm leaving in less than five minutes.
To conclude:
1. My sister knows how absolutely petrified I am of bats so she was willing and able to drive 30 minutes one-way to get to my house to deal with this for her blubbering-scared-stiff sister. She also knows how much I love her for being there for me when I'm about to launch myself off the edge of abject fear and she is very calm and awesome with reassuring hugs. Plus, she is one of the best bat-busters out there, but you can't have her, she's mine.
2. My Jeff. One of the reasons I love him is that he WILL tell me to 'CALM THE FUCK DOWN' exactly when I need to hear it, and even if I cannot do it, it pisses me off and gets me to focus for a necessary crucial moment away from the edge of hysteria.
Also? Because he killed that mother-fucking-bat with a tennis racket last night. Let me tell you, having my hubby seek and destroy the thing I am most scared of is pretty high on the list of reasons I love him so much.
That and he's a really good kisser.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Temper, temper
Last week was filled with numerous temper tantrums by our daughter. Three-hour-long tantrums. Tantrums in which I was certain her head was going to spin around her neck several times, devil horns would sprout on her head, and she would spontaneously alight from her bed to hover over us as we cowered in the corner.
I haven't been able to write for a few days because I am still trying to recover from the twitching and hyperventilating that now occurs in me whenever her voice moves up an octave.
But that was a week ago. We survived the horror and so did she, and for the most part, she seems to have returned to her usual bossy-but-smiling-self.
I will admit that at one point I actually had the thought that if I SLAP HER, MAYBE SHE WILL STOP THE SCREAMING. Oh, the SCREAMING. Instead, out of sheer frustration and exhaustion, I left her in her crib and cried my eyes out on our front porch because I love my daughter and would never, ever raise a hand to her...unless it is to pass her my empty martini glass for a refill.
Some days it seems that I'm the only one who thinks this mothering stuff is hard.
I haven't been able to write for a few days because I am still trying to recover from the twitching and hyperventilating that now occurs in me whenever her voice moves up an octave.
But that was a week ago. We survived the horror and so did she, and for the most part, she seems to have returned to her usual bossy-but-smiling-self.
I will admit that at one point I actually had the thought that if I SLAP HER, MAYBE SHE WILL STOP THE SCREAMING. Oh, the SCREAMING. Instead, out of sheer frustration and exhaustion, I left her in her crib and cried my eyes out on our front porch because I love my daughter and would never, ever raise a hand to her...unless it is to pass her my empty martini glass for a refill.
Some days it seems that I'm the only one who thinks this mothering stuff is hard.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Candles, and cake, and vodka, OH MY!
So, there was no romantic birthday dinner with hubby on the weekend, which, happily, has nothing to do with getting laid as it turns out.
Instead, as a surprise (which turned out to not be too much of a surprise because when you love and live with someone, you tend to pick up on little hints they drop, which turn out to be BIG! SECRET! REVEALED!) he organized a birthday party for me. Our friends and some family were there, and based on the very lovely and very unexpected gifts they done brung me, it is obvious that they love me and are concerned for my mental state. Also, they understand my kids are stressing me out just a little bit these days.
Hence, the wonderful "calm her the hell down" lotions and relaxing candles I received (Thanks Martine & Guy and Sue!)
Also, I'm pretty sure they think I'm an alcoholic, what with all the vodka (thanks Carle & Sylvie!) and wine (thanks, Tasha, Carole, Sue & Mike, and Sophie and Sean!!) I received. Of course, that makes them ENABLERS.
What can I say? I had a great time, I have terrific friends and I love all of them.
And my hubby? I love him best of all.
Instead, as a surprise (which turned out to not be too much of a surprise because when you love and live with someone, you tend to pick up on little hints they drop, which turn out to be BIG! SECRET! REVEALED!) he organized a birthday party for me. Our friends and some family were there, and based on the very lovely and very unexpected gifts they done brung me, it is obvious that they love me and are concerned for my mental state. Also, they understand my kids are stressing me out just a little bit these days.
Hence, the wonderful "calm her the hell down" lotions and relaxing candles I received (Thanks Martine & Guy and Sue!)
Also, I'm pretty sure they think I'm an alcoholic, what with all the vodka (thanks Carle & Sylvie!) and wine (thanks, Tasha, Carole, Sue & Mike, and Sophie and Sean!!) I received. Of course, that makes them ENABLERS.
What can I say? I had a great time, I have terrific friends and I love all of them.
And my hubby? I love him best of all.
Friday, May 30, 2008
The secret to staying young
I'm so excited to be turning 29 today!
I'm also very happy to be going out for a romantic adult only dinner tomorrow night with my hubby because good food plus good wine equals me getting laid.
Happy birthday to me!
I'm also very happy to be going out for a romantic adult only dinner tomorrow night with my hubby because good food plus good wine equals me getting laid.
Happy birthday to me!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Frustration
How do you dream and plan your way to a happier future when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel? All that's here in front of me are dark shadows and the knowledge that tomorrow will be more of the same damn thing.
It drives me nuts to hear advice that consists of "Oh, it'll be better tomorrow" or "Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, that's all you can do." Is it? Is that really ALL there is to do? Life is too short to spend it unhappy and miserable, I get that. I just don't understand how to change it.
I am not grown-up enough to figure this out on my own.
I want to be a kid again and have my parents tell me what to do because they hand out the answers to all life's questions like cotton-candy at the local fair.
I want ANSWERS and COTTON CANDY. And my mummy and daddy to make it all better.
It drives me nuts to hear advice that consists of "Oh, it'll be better tomorrow" or "Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, that's all you can do." Is it? Is that really ALL there is to do? Life is too short to spend it unhappy and miserable, I get that. I just don't understand how to change it.
I am not grown-up enough to figure this out on my own.
I want to be a kid again and have my parents tell me what to do because they hand out the answers to all life's questions like cotton-candy at the local fair.
I want ANSWERS and COTTON CANDY. And my mummy and daddy to make it all better.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Tremendous-ness
I am both in awe and jealous of Jodi Picault's writing. She is, quite simply, one of the best writers I have had the pleasure of indulging in EVER.
Go. Go NOW and read one of her books.
You'll put me in your will as a way to say thank you, she is that good.
Amen.
Go. Go NOW and read one of her books.
You'll put me in your will as a way to say thank you, she is that good.
Amen.
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