Ghost

The boredom is always there, lurking in the shadows. I can feel the darkness creeping in for it's usual extended visit. There is a certain comfort in its regularity, kind of like Pap smears and periods - you don't want it to come, but you know it will anyway. It brings with it an aching tiredness, an exhaustion that is difficult to fight against. My mind slowly becomes numb, the painful effort to do anything, no matter how small, costs much in the way of expended energy. Brushing my teeth becomes excruciating as my mind fights to force it to happen, because physically, I may as well be trying to lift a small pick-up as lift my toothbrush - I just cannot do it.

These are the days and weeks when I suck at motherhood and partnership. As I begin to wither away in spirit, focus and simple there-ness, I scream inside my mind and am furious with myself because I can't stop this from happening. My kids are a light, but too much aggravation from them, which isn't really aggravation, they are being kids, and I'm ready to curl up in a ball on my bed and cry and stare out the windows at the trees because I cannot deal with it. I will be vacant with my spouse, or hurling nasties at him because he dares to open his mouth and he will still be there, frustrated, to try and pick up the pieces of me. He will first retreat to his workshop because he needs to breathe and get the hell away from the fog enveloping the woman he lives with and loves, and really, I don't blame him. I'd want an escape plan too.

This feeling of boredom and restlessness and depression has been with me as far back as I can remember. I honestly don't know what it's like to not have it with me, and in clearer moments, I realize it has become a crutch. I've done the pyschotherapy thing, but it only lasts as long as my insurance covers it, and then I can't afford to keep going. I've done the medication thing, but I hate the way it freezes my emotions even more. I'd rather at least be able to feel the numbness than nothing-ness.

Rollercoasters ain't got nothin' on me.