Tooth Fairy

As you can see from the Christmas tree in the background, this was taken in December 2011.  She FINALLY lost her first tooth and I absolutely believe we heard four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves AND a partridge in a pear tree!

Waiting to Exhale

I think that may be one of the most fitting post titles possible...and giving credit where it's due, of course, a total acknowledgement to author Terry MacMillan. 

I was on an upswing in the month of May.  Feeling better, feeling stronger, feeling like, fist-pump skyward "YES!", I'm going to get through this, get past this, I'm moving forward.

Then June 4th happened and I'm drowning again in sorrow, in grief, in disbelief, in hurt and every god-damn day, I am trying to claw my way back up again. Every once in awhile I gulp in a bit of air as I realize that my breathing is very shallow, and I need to dig a little deeper and actually take in a proper breath.

I may be naive.

I may wear rose-colored glasses.

I may be gullible.

I'm also fucking stubborn...so claw, scratch, scrape or fight my way back to feeling happier about things, I WILL.

I am exhaling.  Right this moment.

Back From the Edge

There were times I thought the pain and grief would literally make my heart stop.  My entire life, our entire life, was flipped upside down and sideways, and in the weeks and months since September 18, 2011, I felt like my insides were made of shattered glass, held together only with a very fine web, and it would take very little to destroy me completely.

I'm still standing.

It didn't kill me. 

I have survived. 

I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. 

I'm proud of me. 

I'm in counselling. 

I'm a work-in-progress. 

I am present and striving every day to be a better mother. 

I'm working hard at a job I enjoy.

I am lucky to work with an incredible female boss who is inspirational.

I started smiling again.

I started sleeping again (not always great, but better than last fall and winter).

I am worthy.

I am unique.

I am funny.

I am lovable.

I am trustworthy.

I realized something hugely life-changing...

I LOVE me.

Birthday Girl

Danielle, turned 6 yesterday on November 16th.  We had tacos for dinner, and gross, store-bought cupcakes for dessert because we're having a birthday party for her on Saturday and that's when she knows and is looking forward to her "real" birthday cake which I, Mummy, will happily make.

At 10:45 p.m., she was barfing all over the floor in the hallway, but at least I could tell she chewed her dinner.  (I tell ya, those silver linings are everywhere!)

This is our girl and we are so blessed.  Happy Birthday, little Lola!

Lola - August 2011

Danielle....still a fiery little handful, determined as ever.

And the spitting image of her father.

Turtle - July 2011

Olivia is still easygoing and a complete joy to be around.

She is also "Mummy's girl".

Math That Adds Up to "This Blows"

Financial stress

+ a leaking roof and house falling down around you

+ hardly any couple time

+ two hot-tempered people who haven't learned to "fight fair"

=

A marriage in trouble.