Testing, Testing 1-2-3

Bueller?

Bueller?

Hey, Blog!  So happy to see you again!  How have you been?

I haven't written a post in much too long and my heart skipped a beat or two the other day when I could not get access to this little spot that is mine all mine. 

As you can see, my kids continue to grow....If this post, you know, posts, I promise to write again.

Cheeky little monkeys

1977 just called...

I don't have an iPhone, and have been wondering how to get the cool Instagram effects on photos, but with very little spare time to actually search for these things....in any case, I came across PixTrix for Blackberries.

It doesn't give you any framing options like Instagram does, and I'm still playing around with it (why on earth would anyone WANT to add a dizzying double exposure effect is beyond me!) but I'm loving the color crush and vintage results.

And it's free!

Sleep Deprivation is Kicking My Ass

I'm cute, aren't I?  I'm Olivia.  And I love NOT sleeping.

I don't understand what's going on with this child.  Bedtime routines are generally the same every night:  bath, teeth, story/song, short cuddle and dodo....it ain't working with this one though.  She yawns and is very clearly tired and ready to sleep by 7:00-7:30 and yet...she's up and down, up and down repeatedly for two hours!

When she gets out of bed, I have taken to being as silent as possible and I pick her up and deposit her back into her bed.  I will do this 8-9-10 times in a row while she kicks her little feet at me, screams and cries.  I can feel my head start to pound and I breathe in and out very deeply, trying to hold on to what's left of my sanity...and then finally, just when I think the top of my head is going to explode off, she settles down, and falls asleep.

And my god, when they are sound asleep, there is no moment out there more beautiful and peaceful and it brings tears to my eyes.

Well, tears and relief that the little buggars are out and I might finally have a moment to relax!

Sweet Turtle

Oh, sweet Turtle, how we love you so....!!

Another overdue Christmas pic

But this one with 'the Boy'....and given he is a 14 year old teenager who absolutely, unequivocally HATES having his picture taken, I consider this a sweet victory.

Tooth Fairy

As you can see from the Christmas tree in the background, this was taken in December 2011.  She FINALLY lost her first tooth and I absolutely believe we heard four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves AND a partridge in a pear tree!

Waiting to Exhale

I think that may be one of the most fitting post titles possible...and giving credit where it's due, of course, a total acknowledgement to author Terry MacMillan. 

I was on an upswing in the month of May.  Feeling better, feeling stronger, feeling like, fist-pump skyward "YES!", I'm going to get through this, get past this, I'm moving forward.

Then June 4th happened and I'm drowning again in sorrow, in grief, in disbelief, in hurt and every god-damn day, I am trying to claw my way back up again. Every once in awhile I gulp in a bit of air as I realize that my breathing is very shallow, and I need to dig a little deeper and actually take in a proper breath.

I may be naive.

I may wear rose-colored glasses.

I may be gullible.

I'm also fucking stubborn...so claw, scratch, scrape or fight my way back to feeling happier about things, I WILL.

I am exhaling.  Right this moment.

Back From the Edge

There were times I thought the pain and grief would literally make my heart stop.  My entire life, our entire life, was flipped upside down and sideways, and in the weeks and months since September 18, 2011, I felt like my insides were made of shattered glass, held together only with a very fine web, and it would take very little to destroy me completely.

I'm still standing.

It didn't kill me. 

I have survived. 

I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. 

I'm proud of me. 

I'm in counselling. 

I'm a work-in-progress. 

I am present and striving every day to be a better mother. 

I'm working hard at a job I enjoy.

I am lucky to work with an incredible female boss who is inspirational.

I started smiling again.

I started sleeping again (not always great, but better than last fall and winter).

I am worthy.

I am unique.

I am funny.

I am lovable.

I am trustworthy.

I realized something hugely life-changing...

I LOVE me.

Birthday Girl

Danielle, turned 6 yesterday on November 16th.  We had tacos for dinner, and gross, store-bought cupcakes for dessert because we're having a birthday party for her on Saturday and that's when she knows and is looking forward to her "real" birthday cake which I, Mummy, will happily make.

At 10:45 p.m., she was barfing all over the floor in the hallway, but at least I could tell she chewed her dinner.  (I tell ya, those silver linings are everywhere!)

This is our girl and we are so blessed.  Happy Birthday, little Lola!

Lola - August 2011

Danielle....still a fiery little handful, determined as ever.

And the spitting image of her father.

Turtle - July 2011

Olivia is still easygoing and a complete joy to be around.

She is also "Mummy's girl".

Math That Adds Up to "This Blows"

Financial stress

+ a leaking roof and house falling down around you

+ hardly any couple time

+ two hot-tempered people who haven't learned to "fight fair"

=

A marriage in trouble.

A Great Big Canadian Hug to Bonnie & Ray

Sometimes the universe is just...weird.

It puts people in your path at a specific moment and often for a specific period of time.

I met Bonnie and her husband Ray in the candy aisle at Walmart last night. And we just started chatting. Turns out they are from Rhode Island, they travel 10 months of the year in their motor home and live in Arizona the rest of the time.

They have been married 44 years, together for 46. This is mind-boggling to me and when I asked them what their secret is, the knowing smile that passed between them said it all but they did give me a list:

#1. Love each other even through the hard times (and there ARE hard times).

#2. Learn to listen with respect - hard to learn, but once you do....everything else gets easier.

#3. Remember that you are a COUPLE and you MUST take time every week to be alone together (without the kids).

#4. Sex. And lots of it.

Bless you, Bonnie and Ray. You were my little rays of sunshine yesterday, and oh, how I needed you.

When Life Is A Bowl of Lemons....

....I like to think I'm someone who can make lemonade.

Instead you'll find me smashing the lemons into a mealy pulp and shattering the bowl.

I'm Not Trapped Under A Desk

Contrary to opinion, I did not fall off the planet but life has, and continues to be, very challenging.

I realize that, quite likely, no one has stuck around to read my ramblings and I'm totally fine with that. I have been stressed out for so long - let's see - since my last post which was 8 months ago around Christmas, right?

Here's a recap:

• Did I mention our basement flooding in the fall? I can't remember...that was AWESOME.
• Jeff's mother was so ill at the end of December 2010 she was, quite literally, at death's door.
• I worked on a contract that ended in January 2011 and then waited 2.5 months for unemployment to kick in. Meanwhile, mortgage payments and bills keep arriving - what gives?
• Unemployment kicks in and sticks around for only 13 weeks - EI Canada - you SUCK...I've been working 20 years and never needed EI because I couldn't find a job but they only count in the hours you worked in the previous 12 months. EI Canada - not only do you suck, but you also BLOW.
• Somewhere mid-winter, as in the coldest, freezing-ist part of winter, our furnace decided to take a vacation. And while I can pretend I'm not that cold, when your kids' fingers feel like icicles inside your house, it's a sign that we might as well set fire to the whole money-pit because at least then we'd be warm.
• Except that setting a fire would be wrong because we're already paying almost 3x as much insurance as we used to (3 claims in a 5-year period gets you screwed.)
• Did I mention that my (one of) mother was living with us until the middle of March?
• So, not only are the bills coming in one on top of the other, but there's also an extra mouth to feed, to shower, to launder...
• Oh, and here come all those bills again...

There's more, and I'm whining because really all of that above is not that bad in the grand scheme of things, but when it feels like we're constantly moving 1 step forward and 3 steps back it gets tedious.

Things are...tense...but on the upside, our sex life has never been better. So, you know, there's a silver lining in every situation!

Although I'm definitely wondering when we're going to get off the seesaw. It's making both of us nauseous.

On Dasher, On Dancer, On Prancer and Cupid!

It is Christmas Eve and in a few short hours, we will be on the road heading to my hometown to spend Christmas with my parents in the bungalow I grew up in and my sisters and their families and my brother and his family will all be there too.

Get out your abacus and count with me:

-2 grandparents PLUS
-4 adult children PLUS
-4 spouses of above adult children PLUS
-13 grandchildren

EQUALS: a grand total of 23 and the little people outnumber the adults by far.

WE'RE GOING TO NEED A LOT OF BOOZE.

I wish you health, happpiness and prosperity over the holiday season.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

It's All About the Proper Pillow

Like you really needed motivation to gag, but another reason I love my husband is that he gets it that I MUST sleep with my flattened-at-the-corners pillow and with tidy-looking sheets and comforter pulled up to my chin.

On occasion, he dares to fall asleep ON TOP OF THE COMFORTER and if you know me at all you know the vision that sails through my head at that particular moment is one in which I've suffocated him with one of the six pillows hanging out on our marital bed. Why there are six pillows (eight actually if you count the two 'fancy' cushions) to begin with can cause a slight argument between us, but nothing that a round of hot marriage sex won't cure.

Back to the pillows...

Our bedding is black and white, so there is a pillow for sleeping on, and when the bed gets made, the sleeping-on-pillow is propped against the headboard, followed by the pillow in a plain black pillowcase, followed by the pillow in the white & black patterned pillow case, followed by the black with white patterened fancy cushion and then the pale lilac fancy schmancy cushion.

PERFECT. SENSE.

My husband often makes the bed and I appreciate this very much. (See reference to hot married sex, above.) However, it does happen that the sleeping-on pillows get mixed up and I end up with his. He thinks it's funny (most of the time) there are so many pillows on the bed and that I am very particular about which one I need to sleep on. He also thinks it's extremely annoying depending on the day.

Having said that, I can tell as soon as my head hits the pillow if I've got mine or his and if I have his, he rarely gets annoyed enough to be really pissed that I wake him up to switch them. Come to think of it, he doesn't even really wake up...he just lifts his head and I jam his pillow under his face, thereby averting the previously mentioned possible suffocation.

My husband is awesome even when he sleeps.

Sick Fest 2010

We are a house of sickness - save for one - Derek-the-teenager - and I think it's because his hormones and teenage angst are protecting him like a heat-shield. Lucky shit.

I am trying to get over a nasty head cold, complete with sinus infection, sinus pain, headache and that irritating dry cough that makes you want to vomit the tickle in the back of your throat right into next year. It puts slicing the left base of my thumb right down to where I could see the bone into perspective. A head cold is way worse.

Danielle has a milder version of the above cold.

Olivia, who is just getting over (getting rid?) of the red, chapped mouth she's had for the last several weeks, and the nasty bump/bruise on her forehead from last week (she was rubbing her tired eyes and walked into our bedroom door...I definitely know this child is from my loins because she is a huge klutz like her mother), now has gross, whiteish looking goopy-pus-stuff coming out of the corners of her eyes. I'm experienced enough to know that it isn't (touch wood) pinkeye (at least not yet), and while I can deal with cleaning up kid vomit and diarrhea, eye-goop definitely makes me squeamish.

And then Jeff started puking his guts out last night. I know he was feeling awful because I heard actual moaning (and not the good kind!) coming from him. His entire body was wracked with pain, and in between trips to the bathroom and barfing in the garbage can every 20 minutes, well, let's say Mummy here got very little sleep. I don't know what your husband sounds like when he's upchucking, but mine? Let's just say that I think the hounds of hell were likely awakened by the noise and they were scared.

Gross.

Good wife that I am, though, I got out of bed each time to empty the can, rinse it out, refill it with fresh water (did you know that puke doesn't smell quite so awful if you add water to the bucket? It also makes rinsing it out that much easier. Far less sticky bits to deal with. I wonder if Martha Stewart knows this handy little tip? Maybe I'll give her a call...)

Oh, and to top everything off? I called the furnace guy at 10:00 p.m. last night because our heater stopped working and it's minus 20 degrees outside. Cha-ching! goes the service call....

So, between the baby and the hubby, and the 5:00 a.m. alarm, I calculate that I got about 23 minutes of sleep last night.

I might be a little bitchy today.

Balance? Suck It...

Trying to find a sense of balance in my life is not a new theme and I bet it's something y'all are familiar with also. (And no, I'm not from the south, but I've always loved saying y'all just because I can.)

I'm working right now, in fact I went back to work mid-September and what I can say about that is that it's a government-type job. I can also say it's a contract that ends on December 31st. I will also divulge that this is the first time in my adult working life I've not been in a permanent job and while I'm at it, I'll confess that I'm really not enjoying the uncertainty.

There are people out there who flit from place to place and that's great for them if that is their comfort zone. It's not mine. I'm somewhat of a planner and with six of us at home to feed (my mother has been living with us for a few months and that's a post for another time), let's just say that my not having a job come January is a pretty scary feeling what with the little people sort of depending on there being food to eat. (Personally I see nothing wrong with letting them suck the meat off a porkchop bone and eating the slightly-wilted, but nonetheless okay-looking spinach and calling it a day. But nooooo, they want apples. And oranges. And cereal. And a glass of milk. I say, quit yer bitchin' and be happy you're not being force-fed mashed up lima beans Mummy's pretending is a casserole...)

But I digress....balance, right. I've already bored you with my daily routine which hasn't changed except that now there is the added excitement of navigating treacherous roads on my commute to and from work. I have tried at least 3 times in the past week or so to sit down at the kitchen table after the girls have gone to bed to do some crafts. That burst of energy lasts long enough for me to realize I just don't feel like emptying out the craft bin and setting everything up because by the time that's done, I've hit my wall and am eagerly eyeing my pajamas and the bed.

Maybe this weekend....except that Danielle has gymnastics, we need to drive to the cottage one last time and cover up the pontoon properly before winter really sets in, and we're still working on the basement.

If I really need to get my craft on, I guess I'll just draw some pretty flowers on the basement walls with the paintbrush roller. Or maybe I'll smoosh the mashed-up lima beans and call it "art".