An Interesting Thing Happened On The Way to The Grocery Store...

I never made it. I drove to the grocery store, parked the car, baby sound asleep in her carseat...and my legs went numb, familiar panic choked my lungs and throat and I started to feel dizzy. Yeah! Anxiety attack! Two thumbs up to the older couple tossing odd looks to the crazy lady crying in her station wagon, clutching at the steering wheel and trying to dial a cell phone.
Did I mention how much I'm enjoying being sleep deprived? No? IT'S FUCKING AWESOME.

On another note but a definitely related topic, to Anonymous who comments on my blog: Thank you for your encouraging words and electronic hug - it's very much appreciated. This is my third go-round with post-partum depression and you'd think it'd get easier, but it doesn't. The good news is that because I'm not having any more babies, this will be the last bout and I can go back to dealing with and trying to manage the regular-drag-my-ass-out-of-bed-day-to-day-depression instead! You know, until peri-menopause and menopause begins.

Honestly though, hubby knows what's going on and he's been incredibly supportive and doing what he can to help and that includes talking to the kids and asking them to "help Mummy a bit more". (The 4-year-old's vicious temper tantrums are a huge energy drain and when you're running on empty but trying to squeeze out a touch more patience it is frustrating. Sort of like when you knock a glass over, stand it back up, only to immediately knock it over again. And again. And again. And then you grab the glass and throw it against the wall to teach it a lesson. Except that, obviously, my daughter isn't a glass and I would never do anything to physically harm her, so in this particular situation, she's temporarily lost the brand new toys Santa brought her and she will get them back one at a time for each day she behaves like a tiny human being instead of Satan's evil-doer frothing at the mouth.)

My mum and dad also know because I've told them, but I haven't specifically told my sisters, brother or any friends - I sort of think they've all got enough of their own stuff going on and I don't want to bother them - not that my parents also don't, but it's just different - they're my parents.

As I look over at the beautiful sleeping girl (who as of yesterday, by the way, weighs 12 lbs, 8.5 oz.) I realize that now just might be an opportune time to try and have a nap. Not an easy task for someone who is, admittedly, not a napper, but I'm going to try.

And that's the word for today.

Tired-er Than I Thought

It's 9:00 p.m., all three children are asleep and while my body is exhausted my brain won't slow down. I am basically awake from 3:30 a.m. until I go to bed at night - this has been going on for the past few weeks, due to, you know, giving birth WITHOUT PAIN MEDICATION eight short weeks ago and newborn babies' eating habits.

The burst of energy, fueled by exhilaration, generated from giving birth lasted until last week. That energy enabled me to get up after breastfeeding during the night to fix the older two their breakfast, help them get ready for school and out the door in time for the bus, at which point it's time to nurse the baby again.

I'm now tired. Which means I'm slightly snappish and wishing for more sleep, more coffee and an iron will which would boot my soft ass downstairs to work out. Instead, I'm crying at the drop of a hat, generally preceeded by looking at my infant daughter and realizing just how quickly this time is passing and I can do nothing to slow it down, to keep her a baby forever; and when there are a few free minutes, I know I should be exercising, but the laundry is piling up, the house needs to be vacuumed, and if the damn dog doesn't stop that constant paw-licking-sound I'm going to seriously lose my fucking mind.

A Lesson Learned

When your wife politely asks you (code: nags you incessantly) to get stuff done around the house and there isn't time to do it, let this be a warning:

While you are gone for several days, she, like me, just might hire someone to do the job and poof! like magic (and many dollars later) it gets done the way she wants it.

And she won't even ask you what you think about it.

Never stand between walnut floors and a hormonally challenged pregnant mother.

That Whole Pregnancy Thing

I did promise to write more about how shocked we were to find out that having sex without any form of birth control can result in what has, up to this particular moment, been one of the biggest surprises of our lives.

I have always been that person who rolls their eyes to the ceiling when you hear someone talking about an accidental pregnancy, because in this day and age, come on, how can that possibly happen? I'm about to explain....

I'd been going through early menopause stuff for the last year and a bit, so my cycle has been irregular and missing some months, other months I'd be oh-so-lucky to get two periods! TWO! TWO PERIODS IN ONE MONTH! (As an aside, I've yet to come across an Always commercial extolling the happiness of that particular occurance and how it can enrich my life.) Did I mention the hot flashes? Oy vay, the night sweats...the hot flashes....time to spritz myself again and again.

Thinking there was nothing to be concerned about, hubby and I continued to have regular relations without giving spermicide, the Pill, condoms, Depo-Provera, cervical caps, IUDs a first thought, let alone a second one. Let this be a cautionary tale to anyone out there...yes, sex feels good, great actually, but use YOUR BRAINS for one tiny second to think about CONSEQUENCES. (Little bits of wisdom in parenting come from life experiences, you see?)

And ladies and gents, lo and behold, guess what happened? I got pregnant.

I knew something was up because my breasts had been sore for over 2 weeks and yet I continued to think that this too was just another joyful turn down the menopause highway. But a niggling thought led to buying a pregnancy test and at the Starbucks I haunt, I used the facility before ordering my usual (grande, non-fat, extra-hot, light-foam latte for those of you keeping track). The second blue line appeared even before my pee made it all the way through that little window. My immediate reaction was a frisson of excitement, followed very quickly by all-over body shaking and the thought of "Shit. shit. shi-i-i-t..."

Over the next few days, we both freaked out, and I am not ashamed or embarrassed to say that we considered terminating the pregnancy. Yes, abortion. I don't understand why it needs to be kept a great big secret because I'm certain that we are not the first couple who've considered that option, and yet no one ever talks about it. I believe wholeheartedly in a woman's right to choose, no matter the circumstances that landed her in that decision-making hell. And it was just that for us, especially because hubby's feelings and concerns had to be taken into consideration.

In the end, I decided I couldn't go through with it and am at peace with that decision. I think hubby will come around but right now he's still freaking out with worry (and just to be clear, he wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea of getting rid of it either). But if I'm going to be honest, which I always aim for when writing this blog, his negative-freaking is pissing me off. Having another child affects me too, but I'm trying to make the best of it, and I am choosing to be happy about this, choosing to now see this as a blessing.

No matter what the end result is in terms of how our relationship gets through this, or doesn't - because truthfully? Nothing is guaranteed, is it?, everything happens for a reason.