Enough With The Drama

Time for me to take a long, deep breath. So many things have been happening lately - some good, some great, some that make me shake my head with a "WHAT THE FUCK...?"

I'm a firm believer in things happen for a reason and sometimes we don't always understand the reasons (in fact, sometimes I'd like to kick reason's ass) but there is a purpose in it all.

Some of the great things that have happened is that a while ago, Jeff and I finally set our wedding date. And it's taking place THIS YEAR on June 12th. (I think I was more than generous in offering to work around his fishing tournament schedule, don't you?) We are having a small and intimate wedding with our immediate families and close friends only and we are happy and excited about it. The plans are gelling together nicely, although my younger sister may not come which would suck, but that's her choice. (The background there is that my hubby-to-be is close friends with her ex-husband and I'm not about to tell him he can't be friends with someone. He's over 18, he can make his own choices. I love my sister with all my heart, and understand her hurt and anger because i think she feels like we're choosing him over her, but my god, that is SO NOT THE CASE....)

And then something that has both puzzled and hurt recently is receiving a Facebook message from a cousin that I haven't been close to in years - I've emailed him a couple of times to say, "Yo. Dude. What's happening, what's new? I'm thinking about you" and I got a reply yesterday wherein he basically told me to piss off because we're not close anymore. O-o-k-a-a-a-y...There was a lot of pent-up anger and hurt in his reply and at first I felt like I had to defend myself to him. I'm sorry you feel like I stopped all contact when I moved away from home (at the age of 18), and I'm sorry I haven't been in touch more often, sorry I've been working my butt off every day, sorry for living my life and raising my kids, and oh-by-the-way-did-you-hear-I-just-had-a-baby, you damn moron, and MAYBE, just MAYBE, I might be a little bit fucking busy?

Whew, guess there's a lot of pent-up anger here too.

I didn't write that to him because I decided then and there that I DO NOT have to defend living my life for the past 20 years and he will either get over it and be an adult about things and we will hopefully get a chance to get to know each other now, as grown-ups, or...he won't.

And then yesterday, I started my period.

Drama. Drama. Drama.

ENOUGH.

Struggle, Struggle, Tiny Light, Struggle, Struggle

It's getting through my head that new habits are hard to form. I'm trying to change 30 years of negative thoughts about my body, but I will be honest and say that my confidence is...very low. You know those makeover shows where they suggest that you focus on one body part you like? Everyone has one little thing, right? I can't find my one little thing. I finally admitted to my fiance that I don't like anything on my body - to the point where I can't even look at myself in the mirror when brushing my teeth.

I would NEVER say negative things to my daughters (or my son for that matter) or friends and I understand that what's on the inside is more important, but at what point did I give myself permission to treat myself so horribly?

How self-indulgent and fucked up am I?

I'm SICK OF IT.

A Favourite Thing

I just got this necklace and I love it. I love the circles. I love the knots. I love the design. It's awesome.

It was also cheap and from Avon.