The holidays are over and I have been utterly exhausted for quite some time. It's been building up for a while - between having given birth a few short weeks ago, preparing for Christmas and family visiting, which also meant trying to figure out meals to feed a minium of 8-10 people regularly, not to mention the middle-of-the-night breastfeeding which turns into me not sleeping for more than 2-3 hours a night.
Let me just say that sleep deprivation is not a fun trip. (Not like that time I smoked some Mary J. and laughed my ass off through likely my 32nd viewing of Bridget Jones' Diary. I'm pretty sure I passed out because I remember talking to my sister Melissa at the beginning of the movie and I kid you not, ONE MINUTE later the movie credits were rolling and I was still laughing...now that was a trip.)
I am constantly worrying about something bad happening to Olivia. Mostly that she's going to choke on her own spit and I won't hear her and be able to save her. The first night in the hospital, she did start choking on amniotic fluid she'd swallowed and that was very scary and I haven't been able to get that awful sound or vision out of my head. She was turning red, then purple right before my eyes as the night nurse was pounding her back trying to make her puke it up. Which she did. She settled down quite nicely in fact. My heart, however, has not stopped racing every single time I put her down to nap and it's accompanied by abject fear where my fists are clenched, my chest heavy with pressure because I can't breathe, my whole body shakes from nauseousness and tears. Enough tears that my eyes are puffy and a special shade of red that only comes from such little sleep and crying 3 hours a day.
I am yelling at my other two children too. A disrespectful attitude from my son, temper tantrums from my daughter is enough to send me off - their unacceptable behaviour has become mine because I swore AT them this morning (as in, "I AM FUCKING DONE WITH THIS CRAP IN THE MORNING, DO YOU HEAR ME? GET YOUR FLIPPIN' SNOW PANTS ON AND GET OUTSIDE BEFORE YOUR BUS GETS HERE! N-O-WWWWWWW!!!!!")
I'm more than familiar with depression , as you know, from a lifetime of trying to manage it, but right now, I feel like I'm drowning in this shit.
2 comments:
It says that you have 0 comments but I seriously hope that your friends, family, soul-mate read this post. Been there, done that and it's absolutely no fun.
Please, please consider getting outside help......oh and getting 'outside' helps too.
HUGS !!!
Motherhood is not easy. Enough courage is needed but if ever it's getting harder than you imagined then it's alright to ask for help from someone in the family or relative, to achieve a more peaceful family life. Good luck!
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